Her growing up at lightning speed (see previous post) combined with her human nature has caused her to test the limits lately. But she's such a good, good kid that her version of testing the limits hasn't been so obvious. She isn't having tantrums or being defiant or disobedient. Instead, I came to realize, she's thinking about being rebellious, then feeling badly about it. That was a hard thing to uncover!
We don't use the word "stupid," because it's disrespectful and all that jazz. But quite a few times recently she's come to me and explained how someone or something annoyed her and her response was to think that person was stupid. She's always careful to clarify that she didn't say it, but she thought it. It usually goes like this: "Mom, when so-and-so did such-and-such and just wouldn't stop and it really bugged me ... would it be ok if I thought to myself, but didn't say, so-and-so is stu [pause] you know ... stu [pause] ... stupid?"
At first I tried to gently remind her that, while it's normal and fine to be annoyed at someone else, we shouldn't say or even think nasty things about them. When it came up a few more times, I switched my tactic to applauding her ability to discern right and wrong and emphasizing what's right in that situation. She has been proud of herself since then for "thinking about right and wrong and doing the right thing." But the thought-they-were-stupid thing just keeps coming up and she has seemed to be living under a tiny black cloud about it.
It came to a head today when she was frustrated with ME for not agreeing to buy a toy at a store. Well, actually it happened a bit later, over lunch, when she said "Would it be ok if, when you said we weren't buying toys today, I thought to myself that you were a ... bad ... bad ... (whispering) bad mom?"
At first I didn't get it. We went back and forth on the toy issue for awhile, with me trying to explain the reasons why we don't buy new toys everyday and wishing she'd be more grateful for what she has. She countered my arguments with her own, but I could tell that we weren't getting to the heart of the issue. She was teary and quiet and didn't eat, and clearly this whole thing was just bothering her deeply.
Finally it occurred to me: she's feeling guilty. All these times she's asked if her thoughts were ok, and especially when she thought badly of me - it was all because she was feeling guilty and couldn't shake it or describe it. I asked if what she was feeling was like being sad and embarrassed and wishing you could take something back all rolled into one. She lifted her eyes and looked relieved "Yes!"
So I told her that's called guilt, and we talked about why she probably felt that way. I told her I forgave her for what she thought about me, but that if she wanted to get rid of the guilt and really be forgiven, she needed to tell God about it and ask Him to forgive her. We talked about how his forgiveness is "as far as the east is from the west," which she thought was pretty cool. We said a tiny prayer together - me thanking God for her heart and discernment and her saying "please forgive me."
And then it was like the whole tone of our week changed. And for the rest of the night, she was her normal happy self - no more black cloud. I told her I was so happy God gave her her joy back, and she said, "Yeah, he did!"
Maybe I'm not the best mom all the time, but I'm so incredibly lucky to have the BEST daughter and the most tender God. I hope today's lesson is one that will serve us well!
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